March 11, 2006
The experience in the jail when visiting the two Indonesian girls was not quite nice. I was really waiting for that moment to come, that the two girls haunted my dream, but when I had the chance to meet them, I even didn’t talk a lot with them as I was rushed by the harsh policemen. I was very disappointed, and at the same time, helpless.
Today, a guy from Chilas who discussed about sex with me a night before, asked me to go back again to the jail. The Chilas guy, Mirza, was in the jail for some days because of fighting. Regarding his origin, I thought it was due to free sex, but it was not. The people from Chilas, as those Pathans from western border of Pakistan, were famous of their male to male sexual activities. Mirza said to me, it was not homosexual activities, or at least very different from the concept of homosexuality in Europe, as here men only want to fuck, no suck, no love. He said that Pakistan was very conservative, as this is an Islamic republic. But he didn’t deny that he had sex with some girls before, as well as fucking some other boys. I pointed that Pakistan was not that ‘conservative’ as I even had seen two boys kissing while riding motorcycle, roaming along the road in Lahore. He justified it as Pakistani boys like to kiss each other when seeing beautiful girls, as they don’t have chance to kiss the girl (so the male friend can be a compensation). I was amazed by his justification. I pointed another example that the high class people in Lahore even had regular sex parties. He, not from high class himself, denied. He said that high class people were respected people, so it was impossible. I argued. He said that the ‘high class’ people I meant was those who was from poor family that became rich, but still held the poor and neglected desperations. Again, I was amazed by his justification.
Back to the Indonesian prisoners, Mirza said he visited the girls in the morning, and he talked to them about me. The two girls told Mirza that they were surprised by my visit, but it was unfortunate visit as it was too short. Maryam, whom I thought was unfriendly, told Mirza that I was a nice ‘kid’. Christina said to him that I was good ‘boy’. They were happy that I visited them, but for them the visit was too short time. Their happiness, unfortunately, I didn’t feel when I was there. Even not saying explicitly, it was obvious that they were waiting for my second visit. That was the reason Mirza came to me, to accompany me to go back again to the jail so that the police would not harass me this time.
Unfortunate, unfortunate, I had made the decision to leave for Muzaffarabad today, as my work was waiting there. I told him I couldn’t go to the jail. The other reason was of course that I was still can’t forgive the attitude of the police guy who treated me as I was another prisoner and rushed me to go as rushing animals. Mirza said I was cruel, I spread hope and dream to the heart of the girls, but I just left them that way.
Mirza might be right. I was cruel. That day on the bus, I couldn’t stop thinking about the two poor Indonesian girls in the district jail of Gilgit. Lonely, hopeless, bored. And suddenly someone came to make a sudden shock, sudden happiness, sudden hope, but then disappeared forever. I tried to shout through the gate what stuff they needed me to give them; Indonesian books or music, but I got no reply. I was there, attempting to share their sorrow, but I didn’t hear so much. And now I just left, left away with the bus, hundreds kilometers away from the hopes which I spread.
In this long bus journey to Muzaffarabad, I cried. Tears flowed on my cheeks, which I couldn’t stop. I felt their helplessness, their loneliness, their fresh hopes, and their dews of dreams. The light of the bus corridor was dim; the dark night fall; the melancholic Ebiet G Ade song was flowing emotionally from my MP3 player,
Setiap waktu engkau tersenyum (All the time you smile)
Sudut matamu memancarkan rasa (The corners of your eyes spreading feeling)
Keresahan yang terbenam (A drowned anxiety)
Kerinduan yang tertahan (A suppressed feeling)
Duka dalam yang tersembunyi (A deep, hidden pain)
Jauh di lubuk hati (Deep in the heart)
Kata-katamu riuh mengalir bagai gerimis (Your words flowing loud like the rain)
Aku menunggu hujan turunlah (I am waiting the rain to fall)
Aku mengharap badai datanglah (I am waiting the storm to come)
Gemuruhnya kan melumatkan semua (The thunder will destroy all)
Kupu-kupu kertas (all of the paper butterflies)
And my tears flowed….